It's been a rough year.
Returning home from my vacation marked the anniversary mark of a huge loss in my life. I was ready to start anew and hope with anticipation as to what God has in store for the future. Instead, the last few weeks have been jammed packed with punches to the gut. In the big scheme of things, they really aren't important things at all... no one has gotten sick or died, but emotionally there is grief over the death of hopes and dreams.
Today I was walking in Kenginston, continuing a conversation I've been having with God about my purpose. Honestly, some days it just doesn't feel like I have one. Times I get caught up in looking at the vast emptiness around me and wonder why. Why can't I have this? Why did I make that choice? Why does so-and-so get to have that? Why does it still have to hurt?
I was on a mission and my thoughts were just a running dialogue in the back of my head. I started noticing things... like the red cardinal who landed on a branch right in front of me and then came closer and closer until it was almost right next to me. I just stood there and watched him until he flew away. I noticed a white fuzzy caterpillar crawling on a leaf. And God reminded me... he created me with the same beauty and purpose as he created them.
Seriously, I don't know why these things pop into my brain, but my next thought was I wonder if mosquitoes suffer from low self-esteem? What if they know they aren't liked? Perhaps they feel they have no identity and only exist if they drink in someone? Or are simply trying to get some attention? Then I shake my head at myself for these silly thoughts. Of course mosquitoes don't think about these things! God every so gently whispers, "then neither should you".
And my conversation ends without any answers except to keep walking, keep trusting Him because He created me, He loves me and has purpose for me. I just have to be willing to take the time to notice the little things.