I have no plan or purpose for this post, I just feel like writing tonight. I'm in that melancholy place where I can experience the emotions I usually can't get to. It's as if there is a steel wall between my intellect and emotions most days, but every now and again the steel wall becomes a fence where these pass through fluidly.
It probably doesn't help that I just finished reading through Ecclesiastes.
“And, at such a time, for a few of us there will always be a tugging at the heart—knowing a precious moment had gone and we not there. We can ask and ask but we can’t have again what once seemed ours for ever—the way things looked, that church alone in the fields, a bed on belfry floor, a remembered voice, a loved face. They’ve gone and you can only wait for the pain to pass. ”
― J.L. Carr
Does anyone else ever feel like they are living in a void? Not in darkness or depression... but thinking, feeling everything from pain to joy... living... but at the end of each day feeling like none of it mattered. Days with no authentic human interaction and no one knows whether it was a good day or a bit of a struggle. A few of those kind of days aren't so bad, but week after week it starts to feel pretty empty.
I guess this is just my way of making a mark somewhere during this season. To remind myself that I really was a part of humanity at this time - that I don't walk the earth as invisible.
Not to be all dreary... God has been a faithful friend. I've become much more aware of His leading and presence, spent more time in His Word reminding myself of who He is and who I am supposed to be. That has been the beautiful amid the sorrow.
Broken hearts and misplaced trust take time to heal. While some are content to settle for a substitute to come along and play in the mud, that isn't what God wants for me. I need to wait (not so easy) until the right wind blows across my life...
This girl was meant to soar!
“Love
is not something your heart falls into, but something that picks it up and sets
it soaring.”
I feel a bit better now. Off to bed...