For the last 2+ years I have been pouring myself into life and community. Stretching. Thriving. It's been an amazing journey full of many adventures and lots of travel. A time of new relationships, some long and others short. Funny how quickly our lives and perspectives can change sometimes. February started with the Joy Dare and a planned trip to Boston. Instead the month brought the death of my grandpa, the heartache and increased forgetfulness of my granny, the burden of so much of this on my father, trying to juggle everyone's needs, and my own evaluation of what I want out of my life.
I wish I could say it has spurred me to lofty goals and ambitions, but it seems to have frozen me in this contemplative place. There is a sense that too much of life has passed by and yet still too much ahead. So I sit here and type feeling like I have nothing left to say here on this blog. The beauty and ideas and lessons that once seemed to pour out feel galaxies away. Whatever thoughts and feelings I have seemed to be trapped behind a big steel door without a key. It feels like an invasion of my own privacy to even be sharing this right now (but I am doing it anyway).
This past month I have been emptied. I've been stripped down by death, by people in need, by my own expectations, and a God who wants the best for me and of me. Emptied of discipline, motivation, connection, passion, and love. It's exactly where God wants me - dependent on Him, looking to Him for restoration. Full circle.
He's turned the page for me to start anew. It's the same book but the story can go anywhere from here. With what words shall it begin...?
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. (Psalm 143:8)