Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Onward Christian Soldiers

I’ve had this image in my head for a couple weeks now of standing near the edge of a cliff.

Just a little background – I do not like heights. My pulse races standing on a step stool. Also, not a fan of the freefall feeling where your stomach lurches into your throat and then slams back down… yeah… not so much.

But here I am on this proverbial cliff and God wants me to jump off. And little by little He’s been inching me closer to the edge. My big toe is just slightly hanging over. He pushes a little more… Now the front half of my feet are off. Balance is getting harder to maintain.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to just let go. Let go of my words, my thoughts and feelings without weighing them and calculating all possible outcomes first. There is a constant editor in my head. But I’m trying to keep myself calm, knowing at some point I am going off the edge of this cliff. And like the words from the song Wild Horses:

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

Then over the edge I went.

Unexpectedly, it was right into a deep dark pit. I haven't felt evil that strong around me in such a long time. My stomach felt upended and I was tired. I knew I was in a weakened state in that sense. I left work to go home, hoping to sleep. Sleep never came and as each hour passed I became more and more agitated and restless. Felt like I was tied down, blindfolded and gagged. I fought on my own as long as I could. As much as I wanted and didn't want to at the same time... I reached out the only place I knew I could. But I felt so disconnected. She seemed a million miles away in ways much worse than miles. It all felt cold. And my icy heart shivered, burying itself deeper into despair. I felt utterly alone. Flashing thoughts of self-destruction and twisted scenes dotted the very little I could think. There was a strong pull towards the pit of hell and I was afraid.

There are a few musicians whose music I can put on and the music itself does battle on my behalf. Jason Upton is one such artist. There are parts that sound like the voice of the Spirit to me. Like David's music soothed Saul and sent the tormenting spirits away, I knew this is where I needed to turn for relief. Listening to these words...

Sometimes we feel so afraid
Sometimes we feel so lonely
Sometimes we feel confused
Sometimes we feel so helpless
And we don't know what to do

it's so hard to believe it
if we never heard it
the voice of a father saying your name

You're not alone
You're not alone
I'll never leave you
I'll never leave you alone

The storm passed… God had kept watch and she had joined Him. Listening and praying, even miles away. Knowing the battle was fierce and reinforcements were necessary. The weight lifted, calm returned and finally sleep found me.

At the time I didn’t understand why this was happening. Why such an assault? While out walking with a friend, I began to understand. Of course I would be trusting God and praying very bold prayers while things were sweet and He felt so close. It was as if He let me fall off the cliff into the pit to say… “Tia, will you still trust me here in the dark? Here in the confusion and pain? Or will you choose your old methods of coping; the ones of your own fashioning that have no power? You’ve been training, now show me what you’ve learned…”

Onward Christian soldiers…. I know there is still so much more to be learned…

1 comment:

Hope said...

I hate feeling like that. The thing He keeps asking me over and over and over again this month is, "Do you trust Me or not?" I am learning it is about me and Him and He is not going to let me have anyone else truly on the inner circle until I am ok with it being just the two of us.